Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
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Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.