Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
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I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi