Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
You Might Also Like
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car