Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

Hard not to take this personally

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.