Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

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Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.


Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.


I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.


Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again


“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”


The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.


Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*


Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..


I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.