Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
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Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.