Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
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Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!