Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
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Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
A choir of Spring onions
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now: