everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
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If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you