Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
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Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds