everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
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A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”