@abhorrent_wife

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

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@mattgallo123

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

@Dawn_M_

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

@Its_Miss_Riss

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

@designersays

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

@_Enanem_

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

@illTortuga

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

@kelkulus

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”