@mattgallo123 I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
@abhorrent_wife Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
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@mattgallo123 
@Dawn_M_ Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
@Its_Miss_Riss Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
@MariyaAlexander Bed should get ready for ME
@urbangaygriot “I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
@designersays I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
@ElKnuckelhombre My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
@_Enanem_ I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
@illTortuga Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
@kelkulus My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”