Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Passwords are more important than ever.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I love the honesty
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on