Everyday I’m on that James Bond diet:
0 water
0 salad
7 servings of mac n cheese (shaken, not stirred)![]()
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y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
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He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Wait a second…
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“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
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SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS