Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
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It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
mentally somewhere in italy
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”