Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
You Might Also Like
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now