Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
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[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Merica.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.