Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
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Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
This could be us… but you playing
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
somebody come look at this
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?