Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
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He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Based Erika
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.