Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
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wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It鈥檚 up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don鈥檛 care. You choose.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
#KarenAndTheCat 馃槈
I can鈥檛 be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I鈥檒l be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn鈥檛 know we were fighting.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?