Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”