Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
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the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Are you ok, human???
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.