Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
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Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”