everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
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The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors