Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
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If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
*me flirting
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy