Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
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Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
house sitting!
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.