@sarahmseltzer

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

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@Holy_Mowgli

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

@BMcCarthy32

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

@weinerdog4life

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

@FrenulumBreve

[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*

@Donna_McCoy

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

@GashleyMadison

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

@SCbchbum

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

@Tmoney68

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

@Elizasoul80

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

@LizHackett

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.