everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
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It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.