Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.

Son #2: [in bath] We did.

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

“Paper or pl..”

..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…

“I’m not saying ‘me'”

ME! OMG we did it again!

“…”