everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
You Might Also Like
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
the prophecy has been fulfilled
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit