EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
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Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
それは草
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg