Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
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*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product