“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
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*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
You are not alone 💚
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir