Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
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Oh the world we live in…
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
🐕🍷
if my sleeping schedule was a person
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
😂😂
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.