Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
You Might Also Like
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
i really liked this one
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life