Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
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Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.