Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
You Might Also Like
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”