everyone has that one prude friend
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I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
How did we not see this back then?
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory