@Jason_maybe

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

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@Lisa_Bizzle

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

@jordan_stratton

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

@HatfieldAnne

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

@BriarSlyMalice

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

@Heatinblack

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

@Marlebean

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

@AsgardianRose

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?

@adult_mom

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

@semple42

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.