Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
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Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
every olympics i turn into this guy
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.