Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
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I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.