Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
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Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing