everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
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Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Stop sending me this shit.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow