Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
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Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
cat vs inanimate object
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly