Everyone in the gym on January 1st
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[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.