Everyone in the gym on January 1st
You Might Also Like
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
![]()
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”