Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
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Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Wednesday
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Time for evil
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?