Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
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Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I think they could have phrased this better
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”