“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
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*pronounces bondage like corsage.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life