Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

The Onion called it…again.

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

Good boy 😂😂

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.