Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
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Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”