Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
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nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Running from your problems is cardio .
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.