Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
You Might Also Like
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Actually cracking up @ this
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.