everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
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*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
he’s doing your taxes
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites