Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
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“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels