Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
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As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?