Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
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My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.